Dear Dogs and Cats

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest!

The Stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't count, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything larger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. However, Dogs and Cats can actually curl up into a ball when they sleep. It is not neccessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!! If by some reason I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not neccessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years....Canine/Feline assistance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is.....Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt, I cannot stress this enough!!

Finally, in all fairness dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door.

NOTICE TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here, you dont
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture, thats why they call it "Fur"-niture.
(3) I like my pet's alot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because (1) They eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people, (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gadzillion dollars for college, (11) IF THEY GET PREGNANT, YOU CAN SELL THEIR CHILDREN!!

Puppy kisses to all, 
And to all my 2 and 4 legged children....
MOMMY LOVES YOU THE BEST!! (Race you to the bathroom LOL!!)